Just when I thought things were better…

Does this ever happen to you? Just when you feel like things are going your way, and everything is looking up and cheerful, you get a punch to the gut that takes you back to square one.

This happened to me. And it keeps happening. I’m stuck in what seems to be a never-ending cycle, one that just gets more and more extreme as time goes on. My mom passed away almost 9 months ago, and I was thoroughly warned this would happen. At first, I didn’t believe it. I thought to myself I’m stronger than them (whoever the person was warning me at the time – there were too many to remember them all). Then it hit me hard when on top of my mourning process of my mom, after four months my dad decides to get engaged (and soon married) to someone I don’t know and didn’t feel like getting to know at first.

And this has gotten better with time, therapy, and kind family and friends. I actually reached a new level last week when I finally felt 100% happy for my dad. He’s happy, and therefore I’m happy. I still feel this way, actually, and can safely say I look forward to having Amy join our family. I may not be best of friends with Amy, but I do plan on trying my best to get to know her better and to be friendly with her. She may not be perfect, but no one is perfect. I’m willing to look past her flaws and see her for who she really is. My dad sees greatness in her and I am sure that I will see greatness in her as well. I love my dad and his happiness is number one to him. All I want is happiness and joy for my dad.

So as you can see I was on the up and up, feeling good and happy. I was even imagining the upcoming holidays as something to look forward to. Until this week. This past week hit me like a ton of bricks. I found out a friend of mine lost her father a few days ago, and today is my mom’s birthday. Or would have been, if she were still here. Needless to say, I’ve hit rock bottom again. I feel like I just lost my mom yesterday. I feel like she was just sitting here next to me, on my couch. I feel like I was just talking to her about this and that. 

This is not the first time this has happened, but every time it happens it feels more extreme somehow. And someone told me at my mom’s funeral that it’s like an onion, you peel off a layer and it’s really bad but then you get used to that level, until the next layer is peeled off. I was secretly hoping they were wrong, but unfortunately they were dead right. 

For me, these layers come off at random times. For the first few months, it was every Thursday or Tuesday, usually in the evenings since I would check my phone expecting a call or text from my mom and then remember all over again. Over time, it became better. I got used to the layer. Then my dad told me in April he was getting married. That just made me miss my mom even more, I cried for a week. Then Mother’s day. Then Father’s day. Then my birthday, but I didn’t cry or really miss my mom that much around my birthday. I tried, instead, to focus on the positive and the celebrations. And that’s why I thought I was on the up and up.

And now I’m back to square one, another layer has been removed. And my guts are becoming exposed. I’m still trying my hardest to fake pretend everything is okay. I had to use every ounce of energy in my body and mind to not hysterically cry during our Kung Fu class this past Tuesday. How pathetic is that?

And the cycle continues. Since Tuesday, food doesn’t have the same appeal. Sleep is harder to find. And crying somehow is the only way I feel a little bit better. Sometimes I hug myself and pretend it’s my mom comforting me. Happy birthday mom, I miss you so much and I know you told me to not miss you, but I can’t help it. I don’t know how to “get over” this. I don’t know how to move on. But I’m trying. Every day I try to look up, to stay positive. It’s the days I trip and fall that make me feel like I’ve made no progress. But I know I have. That’s why I write these posts. So I can see my journey and know that I am indeed progressing.

Thank you for reading.

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