2020 Vision: Let me reintroduce myself

This year has not been the one I imagined it would be. I’m not going to lie, when 2020 started I had high hopes. I had hoped things between my daughter’s father and I would work out. I had hoped to run the Chicago marathon for the second time. I had hoped to be a science teacher in a local High School. While none of these situations panned out, so much more, better things have happened this year.

I have been inspired by both a good friend of mine and Gwen Stefani to list out all of the abundance that happened this year. So, please enjoy:

• I got to spend so much more time with my amazing daughter Aria.
• I financially survived my income getting cut in half overnight in March.
• I learned to adapt to a pandemic by utilizing my toolbox of skills and experience and becoming a relief vet tech.
• I learned how to tutor and eventually teach over Zoom.
• I continued running despite the marathon being cancelled. I ran a virtual relay with my friends.
• I started my 2nd Master’s Degree in June.
• I stepped out of my comfort zone and became a science teacher in a local Middle School.
• I am now on the right path towards my career goals.
• I travelled to Denver and Door County and spent some quality time in nature.
• I went on some interesting and new dating adventures despite Covid-19.
• I sold my 2007 Jetta for a good price. Kind of bittersweet, as it was my first new car that I grew out of.
• I’m gearing up to buy a safer and upgraded car for Aria and me.

While I am still a work in progress, I have come further than I thought I would this year. And I am looking forward to what’s next, despite the pandemic. 2020 has been good to me, and I am excited for 2021.

Let me end by saying: Let me reintroduce myself. I’m still the Jen you know, but I am growing everyday. You could say I’m evolving. Until next time.

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Growing in emotional maturity

For the longest time, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. In college, I was holding my breath waiting for my boyfriend to trust me. Once he didn’t trust me, there was no relationship. I just kept pressing forward only to make things even harder and more painful when I finally walked away. After college, I pursued a married man. He ended up doing to me exactly what he did to his first wife, but you could say I had it coming since I was the reason he left her. After our divorce, I started pursuing just the physical aspects of relations. I was literally too scared to get hurt to even consider a committed romantic relationship. Once this life caught up to me and I started considering seeking a healthy relationship, I found out I was pregnant.

With the pregnancy came all the feels. Looking back, I had a very physically healthy pregnancy, but my emotional well-being was very low. I was facing an uncertain future with a baby and her dad who wasn’t capable of loving me. Here I was, once again, looking for love in the wrong place. I yearned for him to even try and make it work with me. But it wasn’t in the cards. I had to finally stop being emotionally immature and move on from the things that weren’t helping me grow. Once I let him go, I felt my heart finally healing. Healing from the college guy who never trusted me. Healing from my husband who left me for someone(s) else. Healing from my baby’s dad who likely really wishes we had been more careful. (I refuse to use the word he did on here, but that part was definitely the most painful).

I started and have been reading the bible daily. I’ve been listening to certain podcasts and reading books. I’ve really taken the time to be selfish, if you will. And focus on myself. And I agreed with myself to take time to be single and heal with one exception. If someone were to enter my life and help me to grow then I’d allow it. I met someone unexpectedly about two months ago and it’s been an interesting ride. Shortly after we met, the city where we live entered a shelter-in-place that’s still occurring. Through this time, it hasn’t been easy to get to know each other. At first, things seemed great. But as time goes on, it appears to me that while his words are great and helpful, his actions seem to be misleading. I’m not quite sure if he sees me as his girlfriend or just a friend with benefits.

I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since things aren’t normal due to Covid-19, but I also have to be true to myself. I keep praying to God to show me what He wants for my life. And I will continue to pursue His word. I just felt like I had to share, since because of the growth I see and feel inside of me, I will no longer settle for anything less.

I hope everyone’s doing well despite the craziness. 🙂