Lately I’ve been reflecting on where I used to be and where I am currently. I tend to focus on my career and education, but the growth in my faith, emotional state, and mindset has been significant over the last 6 years.
6 years ago I was married to my husband who refused to go to church with me or even study the bible with me. My gut intuition was screaming that something was wrong, and I was right. Between the death of my mom and my unsupportive partner, I started therapy to help improve my emotional state. While therapy helped, I was missing the other components until free church found me. Once my husband left me, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I wasn’t good enough for him. In the middle of a panic attack, I heard God speak to me and He told me I was good enough despite this feeling, and that He had someone better for me.
5 years ago I was in a rebound relationship after my divorce because I didn’t know how to be alone. While I was going to church, my emotional state and mindset were not in a good place. I tried to focus on the surface level things and ignore the deeper level stuff. This led to me feeling sad and trapped. I still didn’t feel good enough, but tried to fake it until I started to believe it. Unfortunately, I never fully believed it.
4 years ago I was trying to continue living this fake life. Physically, I was in the best shape of my life. Emotionally and mentally I was still a mess. I found out my ex husband got remarried and I lost my shit. I become angry and jealous. All of the pain came rushing back. I thought I had healed with time, but this was not reality.
3 years ago I had Aria and her dad living with me. Finally no longer alone, but once again ignoring my faith, emotions, and mindset. When I shared my emotions with the person living with me, he made excuses why he couldn’t love me. He gave me a list of things wrong with me but never owned up to his mistakes. Living with him became miserable since I knew I’d never be good enough for him. Once again, I felt trapped and sad.
2 years ago I asked Aria’s dad to move out and a month later COVID-19 hit. Going through the pandemic was hard on me in many ways, but it allowed me to focus on my emotions and mindset. I started reading the bible daily and listening to positive podcasts. I had more time to run and reflect. I finally started focusing on the deeper level stuff, but once things started opening back up there were habits that were hard to break. I started chasing the attention of men and didn’t focus on finding a healthy, positive relationship that I deserved.
1 year ago I was in a bad place mentally and emotionally. I struggled to not have deep feelings for Aria’s dad despite our differences and non-compatibility. It took him starting to date someone and still trying to come over for me to finally wake up and refocus on myself and my mental state. I started therapy which helped me no longer be angry and upset at this person that I was trying to maintain a co-parenting situation with. I finally started to feel good enough and started realizing my true worth and value.
Today I am still a work in progress, but I am no longer believing the lies I used to believe. I am no longer only focusing on surface level things. I am taking the time to read the bible and pray. I am focusing on God’s plan for my life. I am so very blessed and loved by Him. I no longer let others trigger me, instead I take my time to reflect before responding. I still speak my truth, but I don’t linger on any situation or person or thing. I don’t hold grudges, I forgive and move on. I’m not perfect by any means, but I am trying my best to be the best Jen I can be. I am trying to be as much like Jesus as I can be. And I look forward to growing in my faith, mindset, and emotional state.