From ex-con to ex-lover

From the end of 2021 to November of 2022, I was in a relationship with an ex-convict. While I know that sounds crazy, he told me he was wrongfully convicted. Despite his innocence, he spent 15 years in prison. And the cherry on top of it all was I knew all of this before deciding to enter a relationship with him. I wanted to write my story in order to share what I learned from dating an ex-con.

When I first found out he spent 15 years in prison, my stomach dropped. My first thought was how hard it must be for him to adjust to society after spending so long locked away. I also started worrying about what or who happened to him while in prison. And then the thought of he hasn’t had the same life experiences that I have had came to me. But what I didn’t expect was how this would play out in our relationship.

The first few weeks were like the honeymoon phase. I couldn’t get enough of him. I was trying to see him every other day when I was off work and kid-free, and spending the entire weekend with him on my kid-free weekends. We would text often along with plenty of video and phone calls. Honestly, I thought I won the lottery. And despite his past, he was a successful professor about to get his Master’s in theology. The man spent Sundays preaching as a guest preacher at churches as well as grading and lesson planning. It didn’t even seem like he spent any time in prison.

Then things started to shift. First, he started comparing me to the person he created in his mind from reading this blog. Then he started comparing the first few weeks to the current time we were in. See, he didn’t have a car (yet), so I was the one driving to him 3 out of the 4 weekends in a month. Then, on the 4th weekend, he would complain about the long train ride he had to take to see me. I found it a little annoying but I continued to do my part and push on since I was starting to really like him.

Then in April, he got a car and broke up with me over text message while I was at work. He blindsided me, and I ended up crying in the staff lunchroom at work. I told him to send me the ticket to my graduation back in the mail. Hours later, he was calling and begging to let me talk to him in person. He came over, despite me not wanting him to since I had Aria. So, he met Aria and then explained to me how he took some bad advice from his ex. She had told him to break up to see if I would fight for the relationship. Since I didn’t “fight” the plan backfired and he regretted his decisions. Also, why he didn’t just talk to me rather than asking an ex for advice flabbergasted me. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning of our demise.

I can’t explain to you why I gave him another chance after the text message breakup. The only explanation I have is that I had fallen in love with him. And with the thought of our future together. And this wasn’t the only time we broke up. As time went on, he became harder to communicate with. Our phone conversations became very one-sided. It felt like I had to carry every conversation. He wouldn’t tell me much, and often it felt like I was trying to pry information out of him. As I became more vulnerable, he became more clammed up. He started giving me unsolicited advice on my life, lifestyle, and career/education goals. He didn’t like how much I socialized with my friends. He didn’t like how I prioritized things in my life. And he didn’t like that he wasn’t my top priority.

Things started to fall apart once he claimed that he was doing all of the work in the relationship and I wasn’t nearly close to putting as much into it as him. He felt like he was doing most of the driving, kinda like how we started the relationship. And he was right. I felt like a nuisance to him. He would tell me that he felt he was doing everything right and as much as he could for the relationship, but that I just wasn’t. And then my marathon happened. He knew about it, and I had invited him to go with me. I even paid for a hotel room and took Southwest all in hopes that he would join me. But when the time came, he never even tried to go. When I got back, he finally told me that he had never wanted to go to cheer me on. He felt he had shown up enough in my life. But for me, it wasn’t enough.

So I broke up with him. I had high hopes that we could be friends, so I asked for him to give me time to process and heal. Time away from him. I told him I needed a break in communication. But unfortunately he couldn’t respect my wishes. He kept reaching out. First through text, then email, then Facebook messenger. I had to block him on every platform just for it to “stop.”

It’s unfortunate, but in hindsight I should’ve seen it coming. I should have thought more about how his time in prison affected not just his lack of social skills but also his ability to mature naturally. I think his career and educational successes lured me in. Then, when he bought a car and a condo, I really thought he had it all together. But when he didn’t trust me enough to hang out with my running friends, I started to see that he didn’t have it all together. When he didn’t respect me enough to listen to me and my wishes, I knew I wasn’t dealing with someone on the same level as me. My only regret is not leaving sooner.

I guess this is what I get for giving the underdog a chance. I’m wondering from my readers, have you ever dated an ex-con? And how did it go? Or would you? Am I crazy for even giving him a chance?

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Technology is the death of romance

As some of you may or may not know, I have been on the struggle bus of romance for most of my adult life. The past year I’ve spent pursuing someone I kept telling myself was worth it. But in reality, I should have ran away when he dumped me via text message the first time.

Technology has led to many issues in the world of dating and romance. First of all, there’s countless dating websites and apps that promise you they will find THE match of YOUR dreams. The endless swiping makes it seem like there is a bottomless pool of applicants, and with that idea comes the idea that if the guy in front of you doesn’t work out, there’s another potential match behind him. But the reality is that I have matched with the same 3 guys countless times, and they are still just as single as I am with no more potential than the last guy I gave a chance.

And maybe it isn’t technology, maybe it is just my cold, wearisome heart that has been to hell and back. Married, divorced, had a kid with someone who never saw me, been on countless first dates, even tried my hardest to see the best in people only to crash and burn. It might be me, but technology has killed what little romance was left in my life.

Email or text message break ups are a cop-out. They are the cowards way out of a hard situation. I know because I’ve been that coward. It seems easier to just text. Easier than a phone call or face to face conversation. But even my first boyfriend who cheated on me had the decency to break up with me in person. And while that was uncomfortable and awkward, it was still 100 times better than a text message break up.

Despite my struggles, I am still pushing forward and focusing on myself and my happiness. But I think it is important to look for both green flags and red flags when meeting people. So I will leave the top green and red flags I’ve seen in the world of dating and meeting people when it comes to technology

Red flags:

Always on their phone/can’t pry their eyes off of the their phone on a date

Is more concerned about their social media accounts than actually making connections (guys and girls who just want the insta followers and not to actually date)

Prefers to text/email over having an actual conversation via the phone or face-to-face

Green flags:

Puts away the phone and keeps it away unless using to show you videos or pictures

Makes you feel more important than any device

Prefers to talk via phone or face-to-face and makes an effort to create those conversations as much as you are

Breaking out of the cycle

I know I haven’t written in awhile. I have had so many things on my mind to write about, but I was stuck in this cycle. This cycle of dating people who were just there to fill the void. Time-wasters. I kept trying to date the same type of person. The person that wasn’t emotionally available. The person who wouldn’t open up and be vulnerable so that I wouldn’t have to be either. Win-win. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t ready for a real person who would be good for me. I wasn’t ready for that person that God told me He has for me. I just kept pushing anything real away, and also anything too fake. I was in a cycle of going on 1-3 dates then dumping whoever it was that didn’t meet my expectations of a placeholder in my life.

I was dating two people a few weeks back, and realized that neither of them were anything close to what I wanted – what I deserved from a partner. I ended things with both of them and was nearly done with dating completely. I met a cute guy who rescheduled our first date 3 times, someone who I could tell upon meeting wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. A part of me thought he’d make a great placeholder. But something in my heart knew it was all wrong. Then I won the lottery.

See, I think dating is like playing the lottery. You will often bet your money but most of the time not be a winner. You might get lucky, win a few bucks, only to bet more and lose. But I am a hopeless romantic and I end up betting over and over again, in hopes that one day I strike it big. And have a reason to stop betting on all the wrong horses. Every time I’m on a dating app, I am hoping to find a reason to delete the app for good.

While I was giving time to emotionally-unavailable placeholders, I lost sight of what I really was searching for: a partner who would add to my life in a positive way. Someone who would be an asset to me as I would be to them. Someone to push me to be better than yesterday. Like I said, I told myself I wasn’t ready for this. Or started believing that maybe that person just didn’t exist for me. Because trust me when I say there are a lot of bottom-feeders in the sea. But what I was doing was looking in all the wrong places. I was looking down when I should have been looking up. I was in the wrong lane, the one full of the wrong people.

Now I feel my mindset and actions making a shift. No longer do I have time to waste with time-wasters. No longer am I interested in the emotionally unavailable. Now is time for Jen to be real and demand the same from her partner. Now is my time to seek companionship that brings even more joy and positivity to my life. Someone that puts God first just like I do. Someone who will not only support me and my dreams, but also push me to be a better version of myself. Someone who will grow with me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I am ready for the person God told me about back in late 2016.

Healing is a journey

I wanted to write another post about partnership and what it is I’m looking for in life, but then I realized my last post was kind of a cliff hanger, so I am here to update you all.

First of all, I started therapy. Honestly, I am not sure why I ever stopped therapy and am I so glad to be back on my healing journey. Secondly, I was able to navigate and create boundaries that were necessary with the person I mentioned in my previous post. While there have been more tears and hard days since, they are getting more manageable as I focus more on myself and my healing.

While I know healing is a journey and I am just now re-starting it, I am already feeling less triggered and more centered on my wellbeing. I’ve been taking time to pray, meditate, and manifest what I want out of life. And, honestly, my social life has been exploding. I have been growing my network in and around Oak Park. I started a single moms and dads social group that has expanded to local singles. It went from once a month thing to a weekly meetup (but not on the meetup app haha). I have been coaching a running camp with my students at the school where I teach, in addition to teaching summer school. I have been training for the Chicago marathon and meeting new friends through different local running groups. I have been tutoring about 4-5 students a week for ACT or SAT. I’m about to travel to visit one of my best friends and get some much girl time with her. I’ve been living my best life with my daughter Aria as well. She tends to join at least half of my runs, and has been even enjoying the after-run beer with us! Just kidding, she just sips on her juice or water and eats all of the cheese sticks haha.

All of this to say, I am feeling fulfilled and full of joy these days. I am in a career I love. I am working towards that 2nd Master’s degree and more than halfway there. The only thing that I would love is a healthy and beneficial partnership.

That’s where I’ve been manifesting and I saw this post the other day on Facebook that one of my awesome friends shared. A healthy partnership is something I’ve never had, but it is something I both desire and deserve. This is something I will be working towards preparing myself to be a good partner who both receives and gives the love I deserve.

What is one thing you’re manifesting?

Waiting for my unicorn

A lot of people ask me why I’m single. Why, despite everything going for me, I can’t land me a husband. Or boyfriend. Or a guy that makes it past one date if I’m being honest. It’s because I’m waiting for my unicorn.

My unicorn is basically a male version of myself. I want someone who’s just as ambitious as me. Someone who’s bettering himself everyday. Someone who has as much faith and hope in Jesus as me. Someone who is as active as me, both physically and within their community. Someone who’s supportive of me as much as I am of them. Someone who can keep up with my humor and make me laugh just as much. Someone who’s vulnerable and real with me.

Someone who communicates well, or at least as well as I do with them. Someone who is trustworthy and transparent. Someone who listens when I need them to. Someone who is full of joy in their life but would like the cherry on top (that’s me haha). Someone who is passionate about their calling in life and pursuing it (whether that’s their career, business, or something else).

Someone who rolls with the punches and doesn’t let situations out of their control drag them down. Someone who falls 8 times but gets back up 9. Someone who sees the glass as half full rather than half empty.

Someone who wakes up everyday and prays. Someone who chooses me and keeps choosing me. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who pursues God and His unconditional love. Someone who puts Jesus at the center of our relationship and life together. Someone God has prepared just for me.

Until I find my unicorn, I will happily be single. I’ve found everything else I want in life. And like previously mentioned, even if I don’t find my unicorn, I will continue to grow in the joy and love surrounding me. Thank you for reading about my unicorn. 🙂

Why I’m not afraid of being single

First of all, before I dive into the topic of my dating life, I must pre-cursor with: I am completely and utterly full of joy in every aspect of my life. My career, my education (on-going), my family, my friends, and my faith. Everything literally feels like a dream. Needless to say, I have zero complaints. Except for one. My singleness. But not enough to lower my standards. Or settle for less.

See, recently someone told me I can’t afford to be picky. Maybe because I have a daughter and want another kid. Maybe because I’m not getting any younger. Maybe because it would be really nice to have someone to help me grow in all aspects of life: financially, physically, and mentally. But no where in any of that is what God wants for my life. See, it’s easy to give excuses as to why I could just settle for the next guy who swipes right on me (if I ever go back on the apps lol). Or I could start building a case to go backwards and just accept someone who doesn’t value me as much as I should be valued. But in doing any of these things, I lose myself and what brings me joy.

Why should I walk away from my joy-filled life only to check a box? And while a good, healthy partnership is way more than a box, right now without that good, healthy relationship waiting on my doorstep it is just a box to check off. And at the end of the day, I have to focus on the most important things in my life. My daughter is important, my faith is important, my well-being is important. See, I love myself and I love Jesus. And I love others. I have so much love sometimes it’s overwhelming. But no where did God say it’s ok to love those who don’t love you back. Or, rather, you can love but with boundaries.

I think these past four years since my husband left me in late 2016 I’ve struggled with my self-worth and value. See, I believed the lies the devil told me that I wasn’t worth it. I still battle these lies daily, but I know that I am beyond worth it. I know that I am powerful but not powerful enough to ruin God’s plan for my life. And so far, from what I’ve seen, it’s a glorious plan. Even if it includes me being single. I have all the love and joy I need.

I’ll leave you all with this piece of wisdom:

Let your sweat shine!

Is it me or is this gym extra-shiny? Not sure if it’s the warmer than normal weather, or the new years resolution’s, but the gym has been pretty busy lately. With the extra bodies comes the extra sweat. Many of the regular gym-goers aren’t that happy to be waiting for equipment that ends up being a little stickier than usual. If this is your first time at the gym, or your first time in a long time, you may be embarrassed at just how much sweat is poring out of your pores. But don’t sweat it! Literally.

Whenever we begin something new, we have to learn (or re-learn) how to become proficient at it. This applies to our bodies as well. Think of it this way, the first time you rode a bike were you doing wheelies? Likely not. Instead you were likely trying to stay balanced on 4 wheels (thankful for training wheels over here!) while also trying to actually move forward. Fast forward to now, you don’t even have to think when riding a bike. It’s second nature.

Our bodies are similar, but unfortunately unlike riding a bike we lose our conditioning when we put the activity away for awhile. Like a runner who stops running for a few years. They can’t just up and run a marathon out of the blue, they have to train and condition themselves to get back to 26.2 miles. And that doesn’t happen overnight. Our bodies are the same way when it comes to sweating. At first, when we’re out of shape and out of breath, we are sweating profusely. It’s our bodies way of regulating our temperature. And since we haven’t worked out in (XX) number of days, weeks, months or years, our bodies are just trying their best to stay alive. “For what reason do you torture me?” – Sincerely, your body.

But the more you exercise, the more adjusted your body becomes. And with that, the less you’ll sweat. So until then, shine on with your sweaty-ass self! And don’t be ashamed, since everyone starts somewhere. Sweaty and all.

Resources for expectant mothers

After being the only expectant mother who showed up alone for the hospital tour, I realized that it would be beneficial to share resources for others going through the same or similar situation as me. This whole single parent thing isn’t easy, but these resources have helped me cope and prepare for what’s to come.

Obama Care/Medicare

Without insurance, having a baby can easily cost at least 10k. And as a single mom, that can be detrimental. But insurance can also get pricey. Thankfully, there are programs out there that cut the cost for insurance. Don’t get me wrong, though. Those medical bills will still pile up, but at least they won’t amount to $10,000!

Aid for Women

I already wrote an entire post about this amazing resource in Chicago. If you’re not in Chicago, I would urge you to find something similar. I entered in free pregnancy test clinic near me in google to find this place.

Free Breast Pump

With insurance, a breast pump costs $0. And after doing some research and talking to some other mom’s, I found the best of the best breast pump to get. Medela pump is the way to go is what I found.

Community Support

I’ve found an amazing supportive community at my local church Free Church. I attend church services, small groups, and church events. I also am part of the host team which is basically the greeting team that welcomes newcomers to the church. Outside of church, I’m also a part of the wonderful running community in Oak Park. Whatever works for you, I would recommend finding some local group to support you. I have heard great things in regards to local mom groups as well that I plan on joining once baby is here.

Meditation

While finances are definitely tight, stress can easily increase. Getting your mind and spirit right is important. Your baby can feel what you feel. So having positive thoughts and a calm mind is ideal. I found a local Buddhist center where they welcome newcomers and drop ins on a weekly basis to sit in and learn meditation techniques and to meditate. My recommendation here is to find a place you feel welcomed and comfortable at. Doesn’t have to be associated with any religion if you’re not into that.

What resources have you used as a single parent?

 

 

Relationships and compromise

Because without compromise no relationship would ever work out, today we are going to talk about how much of yourself you truly have to give up to make that “perfect” or (in reality) not so perfect relationship actually work. This is a perk of my always-thinking (read: overthinking) mind and also has been inspired by other people in my life who have opened up to me in regards to their relationships.

Self Love

A lot of us, as humans, are selfish. At the end of the day, we only have ourselves to rely on and love. And self-love is very important! Actually, if you don’t love yourself you won’t be able to properly love someone else. It is nearly impossible. So the very first thing you must learn to do is love and respect yourself. Without that, the relationship will consume you. You know, that “perfect” relationship with the “perfect” guy or girl. It will chew you up and spit you back out. It will destroy you, if you let it. But defend yourself with the proper mindset and it will help you grow and become a better version of yourself.

But on the other side of the same token, if you’re too selfish and focused on yourself that relationship will shrivel up and die. And you’ll be left with just yourself again, wondering what went wrong since you seemed to be doing fine the entire time.

Healthy Relationship

You have to find the right balance between yourself and your significant other. You have to compromise the right amount, and spend the right amount of time together (growing together) but also still have time for yourself and your hobbies/passions. And sometimes those passions and hobbies will overlap, but you still have to have your own interests so you don’t feel overwhelmed by the other person. As humans, it is important that we feel a few things as listed below.

• Unique. We want to feel special, like there is no one else like us.
• Loved. We want to feel wanted by others, their love validates us that we are lovable.
• Strong/Independent. We don’t want to feel weak or that we have to depend on someone else to live our lives the way we want to.

But what about me?

With all this in mind, there will be sacrifices and compromises that we will have to make to be with someone. While the idea of there being “the one” perfect person for us is nice, it isn’t true. Instead of hoping/waiting for the perfect person to fit ever so perfectly into your life, you should create a list or two to help narrow down your choices (plenty of fish) so that you can find someone to work towards having a healthy relationship with. The lists that I created that have helped me are the two below:

1. A list of ten deal-breakers. If the guy I’m dating doesn’t meet all ten, I move on.
2. A list of red flags. Everyone has luggage, no one is perfect, but after going through my marriage, my husband cheating/living a double life, and my divorce I learned which red flags I won’t accept. If these pop up, bye felicia.

Are you in a healthy relationship? One that helps you be a better person? If not, perhaps you should make these lists and re-assess that relationship and what you’re looking for in a significant other. Feel free to comment below your deal breakers or any red flags that make you leave. And let me know if you’d be interested in my lists I’ve created for my next relationship.

Orange you glad I met ya?

Writings from the other side

I’ve been dealing with a few thoughts lately that have been coming at me from the other side. Bear with me.

“No offense Jen, but I’d never marry someone who’s divorced.”

How I remain unoffended is another story for another time, but what about being divorced makes someone undesirable? Why is it an instant red flag situation? And if this is true, why did I marry a divorced person? Where were you 4 years ago as I was tying the knot with the devil himself?

I guess if I had that mindset, then I would’ve never gotten married in the first place and I would have less baggage. A less red red flag. Or maybe I’d have more. Who knows. A part of me thinks the marriage kept me out of trouble though. And it taught me a lot.

It taught me that just because I know how to love unconditionally and trust someone doesn’t mean everyone knows this. Also, while I saw a glimmer of hope and felt loved by my ex, it was fleeting as once things got hard, he ran away. But only partially. I learned that some people can literally live on lies, and create two separate lives based on these lies. A part of me wonders if there’s an app for that: keep track of all your lies app.

I also learned how to love myself. By being discarded, I found myself and finally see how much I truly am worth. I found not only my legs, but my entire body, mind, and soul all came in sync with each other. Enough to not just run my first marathon, but also to start a whole new life that I never thought I’d have. Finally, I am happy to be on my own. I am getting comfortable in my independence and freedom in this new world.

But there’s that nagging voice inside my head. What about my future husband, if there is one? Another marriage? I mean, if I can find a guy willing to roll the dice on me (since I’m so unwanted). Please note the tone of sarcasm in this last sentence. But for real, if and when I do decide to potentially marry again, what does this mean for me? And for the man I decide to take a chance on?

There will be demons that I will have to fight. I’m actually already fighting them now, way before even considering marrying again.

Am I good enough? Will I be good enough for someone to marry? Will someone love me the way I deserve to be loved? Unconditionally and until death? The way marriage is supposed to be. Will I be able to trust someone enough to take the plunge again, after everything I’ve been through? They say better to have loved and lost than to never have loved. I find comfort in that and I agree with it. Which is really hard to say because I was really hurt, for a very long time. Longer than I’d like to admit. Some days I still hurt a little over it, but everyday is getting better as I find my strength and courage to push forward and move on, one step at a time.

One thing I have learned is that until I am completely over what happened to me, and completely happy with myself, I won’t be ready to even entertain the idea of marriage. I know this time is the time that I need to focus on myself and my relationship with the Lord. My strength and courage come from Him. He has opened so many doors in my life it’s overwhelming. He has answered all of my prayers, and has given me more than I could ever even imagine asking for. One year ago he freed me from the hell I was living in, and he answered my prayer by having my friend invite me to her church, which is now my church. And that was just the beginning.

I’m not perfect. I will likely always have doubts and those voices in my head that I must battle. But I know what I deserve, and I strive to be the best person I can be. I know my ability to love, deeply and unconditionally. And I feel that same love from Jesus, so at the end of the day even if I end up being alone (and with 30 cats) I will be just as happy as I would be with someone. I don’t find my worth or happiness in others (if I did then that comment above would affect me way more). Instead, I find my happiness within me and my joy in God. He brings me everything I need and even the things I don’t realize I need. He goes above and beyond to show His love to me. And it’s indescribable.

So to my future husband, if you exist, if you’re reading this then you can see that I’m a work in progress. But aren’t we all? All I ask from you is patience and love. If you choose to love me, I will choose to love you. Everyday. For the rest of our lives.

But until then, I’m going to enjoy the shit out of life with my fur babies, my friends, and my family. I’m going to run marathons, or maybe just half-marathons (they’re much easier!). I’m going to lift weights and practice yoga. I’m going to not only attend but also provide help at my church. I’m going to spend time in God’s word and grow with Him. I’m going to enjoy my alone time as much as my time with others. And I’m going to heal myself. I choose myself everyday, which may seem selfish, but I know it’s necessary during this season in my life.

All I can say is I’m worth it. We’re worth it. And with God anything is possible. Always and forever.

With love.

Jen